Online diary

I remembered that I have this blog for me to like, express myself! This is actually like a secret blog, sorta, last year when I was feeling um, shitty(hah) and I remembered how good it felt to not keep anything in... So I'm going to start rambling from now on on this web page.

So. My grandmother passed away a few days ago and I was really close to her and... I couldn't attend her funeral because my passport is at the embassy for some administrative purposes and that SUCKS because I didn't even have a chance to say good bye and I'm the only one.

I feel so guilty now when I laugh or do anything because the rest of my family is at the funeral feeling completely sad and I'm not there to go through this with them? Also today, I went to the Tanglin Club with Jennifer and this lady came up to me and started insulting me. This was how our conversation went:

Me: Jen, let's go get that cab

Lady: Did you insult me?

Me: What, no?

Lady: How dare you insult us expatriates?

Me: I said I did NOT.

Lady: Yes you did, I understand Tagalog and a lot of other Asian languages and I understand what you said, you insulted us expats because you thought I was gonna steal your cab, didn't you? You do know that this is an expat club?

Me: Excuse me, I said I did not insult you. My dad is white y'know. And sorry I wasn't speaking Tagalog, I was speaking ENGLISH

Lady: I have 2 Vietnamese kids I adopted, 1 Indonesian! I KNOW what you said!

Me: THAT'S GREAT. Then tell me what I said!

Lady: Don't be so disrespectful

Me: I'm not being disrespectful! You earn respect by respecting others first, are you respecting me? And if you're so sure of what I said then tell me what you heard! (by this time a mini crowd had formed but I was like, a bitch on a mission)

Lady: You're half white, RESPECT YOUR HERITAGE

Me: I DO RESPECT MY HERITAGE BUT I WON'T LET YOU ACCUSE ME OF SOMETHING I DIDN'T SAY

Lady: You know what you said (this bitch on drugs)

Me: Okay then tell me what language do I speak?

Lady: Vietnamese

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA (Jen started laughing too)

Lady: Well then I think Thai. Don't laugh at me!

Me: Excuse me, can you stop? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I DIDN'T INSULT YOU OR YOUR WHITENESS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I AM HALF WHITE AND I AM AN EXPAT OKAY

Then this bitch walks away and sits next to Auntie Nam(Jen's mum) and was like "Oh I can understand Thai I have adoptive kids your daughter is so disrespectful you should teach her some manners" to which Auntie Nam was like, "You just made a fool of yourself by arguing with a 16 year old of something she didn't do. Shut up and go away."

The lady thought I was Auntie Nam's kid by the way.

But seriously though, the audacity of this bitch! I was already feeling extremely down and she just made me, like burst. Then I came back to Jen's house(I'm staying with them for the time being) and called my mother who is in Thailand and burst out crying-- In anger and pity that my mother wasn't there to cheer me on. My mum says she's gonna hunt down that bitch when she's back though so good.

And.. I miss my mother SO SO MUCH. Everything just feels really bad now and I just can't wait for my mum to get home so she can stroke my hair and tell me everything's going to be okay because mothers know best. So here I am, using Jen's MacBook Pro(which I really like hee), sitting in the bed typing and she's beside me sleeping and I'm starting to feel better again.

Oh and at the end of the argument, Jen said to me: You have balls man. I would've just walked away.

Hey, that's a high compliment.

Or so I thought

You all lied.

You all went to ecp, didn't tell me.

What am I supposed to say?

I AM NOT A PART OF YOU GUYS AND I UNDERSTAND.

Stuck like glue

Don't you think I feel the distance too?

But why do must I push myself into a place where I'm not needed.

A want and a need is different. You may want me, but you don't need me.

A need is more important than a want. Of course I love you, I treat you as my best friend.

But honestly, I've felt that you only treat me that way when they're not around.

Sure you have many choices of friends, and no dear I'm not jealous, but remember our heart to heart? Yes, thats the topic of what I fear. Favouritism.

We used to be so so so tight like glue, but maybe the glue's expiring soon.

I know sometimes you flare up at me because we're really close and you're not afraid to express your ugly side to me, and me too, but you know, I don't feel comfortable telling you everything nowadays and I'm sure you feel the same way and that's sad because you were always there for me and I was always there for you. We had so much trust.

I thought this friendship could last forever but maybe I was wrong. It hurts to even type it and I assure you I'm crying right now (lol I feel so dramatic).

Anyway the point is, I think you've come to trust and love her more than me, and maybe I'm getting really close with Tricia and that makes you feel uncomfortable deep down.

I still do trust you, but I feel so so so dumb when I found out about the "bunny ears" on your hand today. But its okay if you don't tell me things anymore, like I said I won't force myself into your life. You don't need me there as an advisor, your secrets keeper but I hope you'll always remember the times when we laughed so hard til we cried and our forest walks and pee adventure and getting stuck in the kitchen and every single thing and miss them cos I sure will :')

I've tried so hard to push you into aspects of my life I'm afraid you'll feel left out like in church and cell but I've come to learnt there's only so much I can do when you don't want (not a need, a want) to be there. I've known already, from when you used the time you said you wanted to spend time with me to agree us to going with them to buy the long wallet even without me agreeing. And maybe I should move on.

I'll always remember when we laughed til no end and our secrets and eeeeeeeeeevery single thing we did, our plans to dress up and stalk people, plans we never did come to do. I'll still be there for you whenever, just give me a ring, yea? But.. just don't expect me to push myself into you again.

See you bff, and I hope B treats you well.

And I wish F, Jy, Lx, Yt can give you the love you deserve that maybe I was uncapable of letting you feel, try as hard as I might.

:')